Day 10 - B Roll

Its okay to be sad.

To sit in the moment and let the tide take you in. Fighting only causes you to spin out of control and drown. The trick is to not let it consume you. To slowly try to untie each knot instead of trying to struggle out of the what’s keep you tangled up.
Promising myself to write everyday - I’ve taken these past few day to sit in that sadness and frustration. Allow myself to feel instead of reacting. Writing and talking to those I trust with these special and specific feelings. Receiving the love and support that can allow you to stay above water without using them as a life raft.
I miss the love of my life. Badly. I see and hear her everywhere. I sing to myself knowing that she would love a particular song. I send her mental and spiritual messages that I know she receives from my heart to hers on a daily bases. Its hard to be apart but that longing and that distance makes my heart expand. It gives me the room to grow into a better self. Allows me to get out of my head and more into my surroundings.

In different variations I sent this message to some of those who feed me in their own special way:

“got the latin american blues right now.
all very confusing and weird.
havent written cause i don't have much to say.
i'm kind of scared shitless of everything right now.
i feel like an idiot going to bolivia. wondering what the hell im doing and why the fuck i am getting myself into. i wish i could shape shift into a smaller darker body with brown eyes. i feel like ferdinand the bull down there. its all very confusing.
shooting some b roll stuff tomorrow with my father tomorrow and wednesday. off to bolivia on friday. not sure what is up or down these days. ”

(There was a tremor just as the sun came out for first time today.)

I still feel a lot of those things but the storm seems lighter and it feels good to be filming again. I think my favourite part of making this film is talking about the scenes with my father. Going out and getting the cover shots I need in order to sew together each moment in order to give the audience an emotional clarity within my family’s dynamic. I love holding the camera and working with my father. Filming him with the horses and watching him smile. Spending time with the Mena family and seeing how happy they make my father. I think Daniel my nephew was the first thing that saved my father’s life -when he was born. It’s clear that Chile, these horses and the Mena family are the second that has prolonged my father’s life. Hopefully he’ll be around long enough so that my children will give him that third wind - to stay with us a little longer.