The Emotions of Logging - Day Forty NIne

the most frustrating process for me as a filmmaker is logging my footage. although i have to do it, i try to avoid it like blood sausages or cows liver. it is such a roller-coaster of emotions watching what can't be changed. i scream, cheer, but mostly scream, at things that could have been done better. i obsess over detail and small inconsequential things that can either be fixed with tricks in post or re-shot at another time.

by nature, although i have changed quite a bit throughout the years, i am an over controlling perfectionist, who settles for nothing less then "the best." it is a internal battle that i constantly wrestle with... almost on a daily basis. especially when i am doing this kind of work.

there are times when i am editing or logging where i do truly feel like a lunatic. i get in this state even if, in the back of my mind, i know that i have more then enough footage to make a good film. in the moment, while im looking at the rushes for the first time, i get so inside my head that i can barely bring myself back to a sane place. i pace, smack my fist - trying to inflict some kind of short sting in the palm my hand to redirect what's going in my head to another part of my body. rarely, but it has happened, i get to a fever pitch and fantasize about putting my fist through a wall. there have been about three or four occasions where i have done it. lets forget my fridge at home. that has about a dozen dents in it because of this state.

i've never cut myself or done any kind of self-mutilation. i faint sometimes at the sight of my own blood. i don't like that kind of pain. my sensitivity can reach such peeks that i have fallen to the grown, at times, when nurses have taken samples of blood from my arm.

none of that "blood is the life" activity for me. it has never even entered my train of thought... but i understand it. i get why people do it and why it is connected so closely to raw emotion.

when you're feeling a heighten emotion all you want is an immediate release. the most common advice is "why don't you write your emotions down" - as i am doing right now. the problem with this advice is that not everyone knows how to communicate how they're feeling, in the written or verbal form. most people don't have the tools to redirect that raw emotion to a safe and healthy place. that's why some people, for example; drink, do drugs, smoke or abuse other people. these are all products of that same device. an outlet to redirect raw energy.
may it joy, anger or sadness.

so what do i do today but continue to pace, play my guitar aggressively and now, go to the gym. the stress that goes with being the director, producer and subject in your own documentary is one thing. watching this footage with patience and trying to take notes is a completely different beast, which often has me turning into one.